It's the all important meeting the parents scenario. Do I even want to subject the man I am with to this or not? I don't know. I don't know if it's the right time, but when is it the right time? My Mother is like a child in adult skin. If I bring this up, she will jump at it to judge and have her say. That's enough to give anyone an anxiety attack … We have been at loggerheads which isn't abnormal. We clash, quite simply she shits me. Treats me like a child … she never used to be so negative. There is a reason for this, but that's for another time …

I have just realised I have not been in a relationship since 2009, that's a long time. The last relationship I had was with a narcissistic sociopath. I was abused mentally and physically. He tried to beat me down until there was nothing left, but he did not succeed. He tried though … even to this day he still tests the water to see if I will bite! and every time, I knock him back … he doesn't like to be told no. No is all I have to say to him … or I simply ignore his attempts of contact … He actually scares me now, and I never thought that would happen, not in a million years … I thought we would get married, I really did.

I am still haunted by him … I guess a part of me always will be.

Life for me, right now is very complex. I am at a standstill, not really knowing where I fit in … I asked the question, "what is the point of living, if we are only going to die anyway …" People thought I was suicidal. I can safely say I am not. I was curious and I still am. I don't see the point in why we should strive to be our best when we are going to end up as ashes anyway. It just seems like a waste of time to me. The Meaning of life, just seems redundant.

If I was told I was going to die tomorrow I would be ok with that. I have travelled, I have owned my own home, I have been married, I have a University Degree. I have done so much more then other people have.

I have been blessed.

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